Thank you, Alice Miller

Today, I am going to begin to explore parts of myself I thought I already knew. Thanks to the books of Alice Miller, I've learned that I have very likely misplaced my focus when trying to sort out the problems of this life. Instead of self-help, I needed self-discovery.

If you've never read anything by Alice Miller, I'll give you the Wikipedia synopsis of her work: 

Alice Miller (12 January 1923 – 14 April 2010), was a Polish-Swiss psychologist, psychoanalyst and philosopher of Jewish origin, who is noted for her books on parental child abuse. She was also a noted public intellectual. Her book The Drama of the Gifted Child caused a sensation and became an international bestseller upon the English publication in 1981. Her views on the consequences of child abuse became highly influential. In her books she departed from psychoanalysis, charging it with being similar to the poisonous pedagogies.

I've read three of her books, so far, and they clearly represent a singularity of focus and philosophy. Boiled down, her basic theory is that the abuse children suffer at the hands of their parents in early childhood forces many children to create mask personas to please the parents and avoid further torment. These masks slowly bury the child's genuine self and that burial often manifests as both mental and physical symptoms in adulthood. That's an oversimplification, of course. By "abuse", Miller means everything from blatant humiliation to spanking to sexual domination. These are all just matters of degree, with similar outcomes.

I came to Miller's work through my own exploration of TMS - Tension Myositis Syndrome. This syndrome is the physical manifestation of unconscious, mental anguish as pain. In my case, I've struggled with back pain ever since my divorce in 1996. Prior to that time, I'd never felt any chronic pain whatsoever. I sought relief from a friend who was a massage therapist, followed by ongoing chiropractic treatments, but these offered only temporary relief. 

My symptoms began to ebb and flow shortly after reading the book Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection by Dr. John Sarno. I'd seen Dr. Sarno on Larry King's show alongside Howard Stern who claimed that Sarno had completely rid him of back pain using nothing more than information. When I read the book, it was almost like Sarno was talking about me personally when he described the typical TMS sufferer. Type-A, driven to succeed, control freak, etc. All my less attractive traits were on display.

I later learned that I'd misunderstood lots of the points Sarno was trying to make, but I blame myself, not him. This book represented an idea that was still in a nascent form. It was years later that it was labeled TMS. You can learn more at the TMS Wiki here.

I worked diligently through the pain recovery program developed by Alan Gordon and my pain got better, but it didn't go away. I found that I could sometimes make it go away just by seeing some of Gordon's patients on video as their pain disappeared, or just by listening to one of his sessions on the wiki. But then it always came back. Sometimes I'd realize that it was a period of stress that brought it on, but at other times, it seemed to come out of the blue. That made sense given the unconscious source of the pain, but I continued to be unable to get the big WIN and say goodbye to the pain forever.

Now, It's important to note that Sarno and Gordon both emphasized that their approaches weren't goal oriented. But what's a type-A to do? I kept trying but I began to feel like the pain was always going to be right around the corner.

The pandemic was rough. My pain came back and stuck around. I can only hypothesize that it was due to the daily stress of watching the world fall apart. Between witnessing the idiocy of our so-called leaders, hunting for toilet paper, and hearing the ridiculous tirades of those who were resisting FREE vaccinations, I was a mess. Logic had broken down and idiocy reined supreme. Both my conscious and unconscious minds were enraged on a daily basis.

I bought Gordon's last book, The Way Out, thinking it might help. It didn't. Not even a little. I watched him interviewed by Mayim Bialik on her YouTube Channel and he told Mayim that there are just some people (like her) for whom the information alone has limited effect. That was me. I was at a dead end because I wasn't going to spend money on therapy when Mayim, who was being treated by Gordon directly, was still in the same boat as me.

Then, someone, somewhere mentioned Alice Miller's 2004 book, The Body Never Lies. When I finally got around to reading it this year, I saw lots of connections to TMS. Miller's basic premise is that our true self becomes hidden behind a mask that we create to please the parents who are terrorizing us as children. As some point, the mask becomes us and our true selves are buried in the unconscious (forgive me if I'm misstating any of this - it's simply my takeaway). Our true selves then assert themselves the only way they can - through our bodies.

I read The Drama of the Gifted Child next - Miller's seminal work on the subject. Like Sarno's early work, it was a work in progress, but the core concepts were there, even in 1981 - the year I graduated from high school.

I've continued reading more works by Miller in order to ascertain what the recommended treatment is. Alas, it's therapy with a very specific kind of therapist - one who listens and witnesses without judgement. I'm not sure where these miraculous therapists reside, but I don't really want to spend my time looking for one. Miller herself rejected psychoanalysis in her later books. What I feel she was really recommending was a kind listener - someone who would be capable of lending an ear without trying to form conclusions or hurry along the process for more billable hours.

I've been looking into ACOA groups, since TMS groups are few and far between. Then I realized a journal might help. While you aren't here with me now, reader, I do feel your presence while writing. So I'm going to try journaling here in the open where anyone can find these posts and hopefully get something out of them as well. Even if they don't, it's the act of articulating my experiences and thoughts in an honest way that's most important to this process. 

In the end, will I find my way to my real self? I don't know, but even in writing this, I've found myself less concerned about pleasing readers and more concerned about stating my unvarnished truth. That seems like a pretty good first step.