The Boss Problem

 I currently work for an idiot and it makes me feel stupid. Every day that I have to take idiotic directions that lessen the effectiveness of my own work, I feel like I just won't be able to take any more. I work remotely, so that's better than the years I had to spend in the office listening to this asshat talk incessantly about things that had absolutely nothing to do with me or my job. I honestly believe that he can't have a single thought without his loud mouth engaged. 

And yet, I keep working for him and I keep trying to make his dumb ass happy in some way as he flushes the company down the toilet with his stupid decisions. Why do I stay? Part of it is that it's not much work for decent pay. I mean, I sometimes go full days with nothing more than a couple of emails and a facebook post. It's frustrating and humiliating but I'm sticking with the devil I know as I try and get my own company off the ground.

This is a model I believe I was forced to learn from my father. I tried for many years to make him happy - to make him proud of me in some way. I guess that sort of thing is just pre-programmed into us. When we're born, we only have our parents. They're the world to us. Good parents reflect our best selves back at us so we feel happy and confident. Bad parents neglect us and our emotions and they teach us that we'll never be good enough. That's what they taught me, anyway.

No matter what I did as a child, I never got my father's attention or approval. Looking back on it, I wish someone had told me to forget his sorry ass. after all, I hardly ever saw him. The primary interaction I had with him was getting whipped with a belt. Can you even imagine being a grown ass man, taking off your own belt, and striking your own child with it? Think about it for a second. This is the son you had on purpose. This is your offspring. How could anyone be so cold as to think that using the force of a grown man against such a fragile thing could be warranted in any way???

I eventually learned to hate my father, but even that didn't stop me from feeling a pit in my stomach when I feared his disdain. That's the feeling my boss gives me. I know how dumb he is. I know I shouldn't give his wishes a second thought - I should maliciously comply and leave the business in an ash heap. But there's still some part of me that feels fear of retribution. Thinking about it now, it seems silly. I've lived this long and I've always managed to find a way to make enough money to survive, so losing this shitty job wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen in my life. In some ways, it could be a blessing. But I still get this horrible lump in my belly when I think he's displeased with me. His disaproval hurts my ego, and I can only trace that back to my father - the ultimate model of authority in my world growing up.

Do you know he would whistle for my brother and I like we were dogs? A piercing, high-pitched whistle that, to this day, puts that lump in my belly just to think about. I grew up being taught fear each and every day. This man didn't give a single shit about me but I loved him despite that because I had no choice.

After my mother died, my father, my brother and I were sitting around talking, like you do after everyone has gone home after the funeral. He had the gall to disclose the fact that he'd chosen to back out of our lives as soon as he realized that we weren't exactly like him. Holy shit. I just stared at him as he said it and damn near punched him in the face. Who decides not to be a part of their sons' lives??? What the fuck? This is the person I sought approval from? This miserable fucking excuse for a human being?

Prior to that grand revelation, I'd been present as my father put away my mother's now-empty wheelchair. He was overcome with emotion and began to weep (guess he has some feelings deep down in that fat ass somewhere). Against any good judgement, I went to him and tried to embrace him. After all, I was hurting too. I'd just lost my mother. Did he accept my embrace? No. He threw me off of him and across the room. If there's ever been a moment in my life when I thought I might actually kill another human being, it was that moment.

I finally cut ties with this waste of breath a couple of years ago,. I wasn't fully honest with him when I did so. I just feigned disgust as something he'd said to me as a way out. I remembered how badly he'd treated me after my divorce when I'd opened myself up to him and had tried to cut him off then. It didn't stick that time because I was so poor. Fear's a hell of thing. I was afraid that I'd need the inheritance I expected from him when he died. Of course, the motherfucker's still alive and that was over 27 years ago. Now I know I can survive without him and I love not having his sorry ass in my life. I just wish that choice hadn't stuck my brother in the middle of things. 

That doesn't mean the lump in my stomach is gone. As I said before, my idiot boss makes it reappear. Now, I just need to convince myself to stop seeking anyone's approval, no matter what power they have over me. Only then will I be rid of this awful feeling.