Unable to Cope

At times - most times - I'm unable to understand how to cope with common problems that other people seem to deal with. It may not be easy for them, but they seem to know what to do. I've always felt like life was difficult every step of the way. No big problem has ever had a clear answer, or at least a reasonable choice. They all feel as though I'm reinventing the wheel while also knowing that it's been done before. I just wasn't clued into the solution.

When I think about my childhood, I realize why I've felt that way my whole life. It's because my parents never tried to teach me anything about life. Granted, that may be due to the fact that they didn't know a lot themselves, but they'd done things. At the time i was born, my father was 28 and he'd purchased a house. I didn't buy my first house until I was 56, and I was embarrassed that I knew so little about how to go about it. My brother, who'd stayed at home until he was in his 30s, had saved up enough to purchase half of a duplex as his first home away from home. I can't even imagine that he never lived in an apartment when that's all I've known.

Back to the subject, I can't remember my parents showing me how to do any "life" things. They made the choices, not me. They had zero respect for my wishes. They just wanted as little trouble for themselves as they could manage. Looking back on it, I can see now that they didn't really love me. They didn't respect me as a person and never have. 

Back before I cut my father off, I had moved to the city I'm currently in. When I told him about the move, he was happy about it because there were medical facilities in this city that might benefit HIM. His first suggestion was that he could have a room in MY house. WTF? He never asked why I was moving or if I needed any help with anything. Just an immediate jump to his own selfish needs. I think that was the moment when I decided I'd never see him again.

I've spent my whole life covering for the fact that I don't have basic life skills. I have practical experience, sure, but I could have really been helped along with some real life training. I wasn't allowed to choose the college I attended. I wasn't allowed to choose the car I drove. I wasn't allowed to pick out any of my furniture and few of my clothes. I wasn't allowed to be me. I was just like a pet or something. I wonder if my brother feels the same way. 

I've spoken about these things to my brother from time to time, and he's made it clear he's not interested in discussing them. I don't understand why not. Does he think that ignoring them will make them go away. If so, he's no different from them and he's probably on his way to ruining his daughter's life even though I know he loves her very much.

I gave up on the idea of having children. Part of that decision was an effort to stop my parent's genes from continuing, and part of it was out of fear that I'd be like them. I think both are worthwhile even though there are nights when I wish I knew the love of a child. I love children almost as much as I love animals. Thanks to my parents, I've also missed out on that entire aspect of life. For a tiny moment, I thought I was going to be able to get part of the experience while dating a woman who had a wonderful little girl, but it turned out that the woman was like my parents and I loved her daughter but not her. That really sucked. To get so close to that experience and even have it in my grasp for a year or two only to lose it again.

I'm not sure how to go about rectifying this issue of not being educated on the ways of the world. I've spent my life trying tom be self sufficient - trying to learn everything about everything. That's helped in some ways but it's also made me fearful about the things I can't know. Some subjects are best taught via word of mouth, from a limited et of experiences instead of from the deep pool that is the entirety of info about it. I guess I'll never really have the confidence that comes with the early teachings of a caring parent.